Jesus Jewish? Of course Jesus was Jewish. He was 30-years-old,
lived with his parents, worked in the family business, and his
mom thought he was God's gift to earth.
centuries ago, the Pope decided that all the Jews had to leave
the Vatican. Naturally there was a big uproar from the Jews,
so the Pope agreed to debate with a member of their community.
If the Jew won, they could stay. If the Pope won, the Jews would
Knowing they had no choice, they picked old Rabbi Moshe to represent
them. His Latin wasn't very good, but he was a man of great
faith and well respected. He accepted, on condition that it
would be a silent debate. The Pope agreed. After all, what could
be easier than a silent debate?
On the day of the great debate, Moshe and the Pope sat opposite
After a minute the Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers.
Moshe looked back and raised one finger.
The Pope waved his fingers in a circle around his head. Moshe
pointed to the ground.
The Pope pulled out a wafer and a glass of wine. Moshe pulled
out an apple.
The Pope stood up and said, "I give up. This man is too
good. The Jews can stay."
As the puzzled cardinals clustered around the Pope, he explained:
"First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity.
He held up one finger to remind me that one God is common to
both our religions. When I waved my finger around me to show
that God was all around us, he pointed down to show that God
is also right here with us. When I showed him the wine and the
wafer to show that God absolves us from our sins, he showed
me an apple to remind me of original sin. He had an answer for
everything. What could I do?"
Meanwhile, the Jews had crowded around Moshe. "What happened?"
they asked. "Well," said Moshe, "He says to me,
'You Jews have three days to leave.' So I said: 'One!'"
Then he tells me the whole city would be cleared of Jews. So
I said to him, 'Listen here, Popey baby, the Jews ... we stay
right here." "And then?" asked a woman. "Who
knows?" said Moshe. "He took out his lunch so I took
in Singapore on business, Sam Goldstein is amazed to find a
synagogue, and since it's Friday night, he walks in. Services
are in Hebrew and Chinese.
Afterwards, the Chinese Rabbi greets Sam and asks whether he’s
Jewish. When he replies “Yes”, the Rabbi says, "Funny,
you don't look Jewish!"
rabbi, a priest and a minister boarded the Space shuttle on
a special tour of outer space. The minister and the priest were
in awe of the beauty of H'Shem's world as they gaze at the earth
form the shuttle.
They were starring at the Rabbi because he was all disheveled.
The Rabbi tallit was all tangled in his beard, his kippah on
the side of his head, his tefellim all out of place and he was
sweating and breathing heavily.
priest and the minister asked him "what is the matter and
why are you so winded and all messy?" The Rabbi answered
them: "Oy, oy, the sun goes up and the sun goes down over
and over again, so on with my tallit and my tefellim over and
over again.......this keeps happening over an over again and
I cannot keep up!"
chief rabbi of Israel goes to vatican city to have a conference
with the pope. After the pope and chief rabbi had their conference,
the pope pulls out a telephone and starts to dial a number.
He then starts an intensive converstaion. After the call, the
pope could see that the rabbi was curious what was going on.
The pope says "I was just talking to G-d, would you like
to?" The rabbi says sure. The pope says ok but it will
cost 25,000 dollars. The rabbi says I must daven too. He pays,
then dials and davens to G-d, and then returns to Israel.
A year later the pope comes to Israel on one of these confrence
trips. At the end of the conference, the rabbi pulls out a phone,
dials and davens to G-d. When he was finished, he offered the
phone to the pope and said the call will cost 25 cents. The
pope asks the rabbi why he is charging him so cheaply. The rabbi
replys "from here it is a local call."
Rabinowitz in the late 1930s fled his native land of Germany.
He sold all his assets and converted it to gold and then had
5 sets of solid gold false teeth made.
When he arrived in New York the customs official was perplexed
as to why anybody would have 5 sets of gold teeth.
So Moisha explained: "We Orthodox Jews have two separate
sets of dishes for meat products and dairy products but I am
so kosher and religious I also have separate sets of teeth."
The customs official shook his head and said, "Well that
accounts for two sets of teeth. What about the other three?"
Moisha then said "Vell us very religious Orthodox Jews
use separate dishes for Passover, but I am so religious I have
separate teeth, one for meat and one for dairy food.
The customs official slapped his head and then said, "You
must be a very religious man with separate teeth for food and
dairy products and likewise for Passover. That accounts for
four sets of teeth. What about the fifth set?"
"Vell to tell you the truth, once in a while I like a ham
How many Hassidic Rebbes does it take to change a light bulb?
A: What is a light bulb?
How many Orthodox Rabbis does it take to change a light bulb?
How many Conservative Rabbis does it take to change a light
A: First call a committee meeting, then perhaps
we can make a meaningful decision.
How many Reform Rabbis does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None, anyone can change it whenever they
How many Jewish Renewal rabbis does it take to change a light
A: It depends.
if it's an eco-kosher bulb that isn't going to be lit from
electricity from nuclear power.
Two, as long as a man and a woman rabbi have equal turns putting
in the bulb.
Three, one to change it, one to do a Buddhist mindfulness
practice during the change, and one to document the paradigm
shift in a best-selling book called "The Jew in the Lightbulb."
Four, same as above plus an additional rabbi to study the
psyho- halachic implications of such a change and then lead
a retreat weekend on the experience.
How many Shlomo Carlebach hassidim does it take to change a
A: Gevaldt, it's mamash such a great opportunity
to do t'shuvah. So it takes everyone there to get real loose,
sing a niggun, listen to an Ishbitzer teaching, tell a Levi
Yitchak story, and change the bulb at 2 in the morning.
How many Reconstructionist Rabbis does it take to change a light
to wish they were doing what the Orthodox rabbi does,
to wish they were doing what the Reform rabbi does,
to wish they were doing what the Renewal rabbi does,
one eventually to change the bulb.
How many Jews does it take to change a light bulb?
A: 30. One to change the bulb & 29 to discuss
it and give contradictory advice to the person changing the
How many Lubavitchers does it take to change a light bulb?
A. None, it is still burning bright.
How many Breslover Hassidim does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. There will never be one that will
burn as brightly as the first one.
How many congregants does it take to change a light bulb in
A: CHANGE? You vant vee should CHANGE the light
bulb? My grandmother donated that light bulb!!!
an Easter mass, at which some young ladies were to take their
final vows to become nuns, the presiding bishop noticed two
rabbis enter the church just before the mass began.
They were seated at the back of the sanctuary and insisted on
sitting on the right side of the center aisle. The bishop wondered
why they had come but didn't have time to inquire before the
mass began.When it came time for some announcements, his curiosity
got the best of him. He announced that he was delighted to see
two rabbis in their midst at the mass but was curious as to
why they were present at this occasion where the young ladies
were to become the "Brides of Christ."
The eldest of the rabbis slowly rose to his feet and explained,
"Family of the Groom."