Q: What happens when a Buddhist becomes totally absorbed with the computer he is working with?
A: He enters Nerdvana.

Q: What did one Zen practitioner give to another for their birthday?
A: Nothing.
Q: What did the birthday boy/girl respond in return?
A: You are thoughtless for giving me this meaningless gift.

To which the giver replied, "Thank you."

Disciple: "Master, why did Bodhidharma come from the West?"
Master: "Ask that post over there."
Disciple: "I don't understand"
Master: "Neither do I."

Q: How do I become a Lama?

A: Go to a monastic university and study for twenty-five years. Begin by memorizing Vasubandhu's Abhidharmakosha with its commentary (500 pages or so). Then study what you have memorised by hearing lectures on it and debating the contents with other candidates until you can argue every side of every controversy equally well. Then memorise several works of Nagarjuna, along with their commentaries. Then memorise the seven treatises of Dharmakirti. In additional to that study, you must master several forms of meditation and study tantric rituals for about two or three years.

Alternatively, you can come to America and just call yourself a lama. Billions of nubile virgins will follow you everywhere and give you money.

Q: How many wives does Buddhism allow?
A: You may have as many as your tolerance for misery can bear.

Driving in India

A monk was driving in India when suddenly a dog crosses the road. The car hit and killed the dog. The monk looked around and seeing a temple, went to knock on the door. A monk opened the door. The first monk said: "I'm terribly sorry, but my karma ran over your dogma."

Wise blind elephants

Six wise, blind elephants were discussing what humans were like. Failing to agree, they decided to determine what humans were like by direct experience.

The first wise, blind elephant felt the human, and declared, "Humans are flat."

The other wise, blind elephants, after similarly feeling the human, agreed.

The other side

One day a young Buddhist on his journey home, came to the banks of a wide river. Staring hopelessly at the great obstacle in front of him , he pondered for hours on just how to cross such a wide barrier. Just as he was about to give up his pursuit to continue his journey he saw a great teacher on the other side of the river. The young Buddhist yells over to the teacher "Oh wise one , can you tell me how to get to the other side of this river"?

The teacher ponders for a moment looks up and down the river and yells back "My son, you are on the other side" .

Monastery Life

A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand.

He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript. So, the new monk goes to the head abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up! In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies.

The head monk, says, "We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son."

He goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscripts are held as archives in a locked vault that hasn't been opened for hundreds of years. Hours go by and nobody sees the old abbot.

So, the young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him. He sees him banging his head against the wall and wailing, "We missed the " R" ! , we missed the " R" !"

His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably.

The young monk asks the old abbot, "What's wrong, father?"

With A choking voice, the old abbot replies, "The word was... CELEBRATE !!! "

Oranges

There's this wonderful story about the first meeting between Kalu Rinpoche and Zen master Seung Sahn:

The two monks entered with swirling robes - maroon and yellow for the Tibetan, austere gray and black for the Korean - and were followed by retinues of younger monks and translators with shaven heads ...

The Tibetan lama sat very still, fingering a wooden rosary (mala) with one hand while murmuring, 'Om mani padme hung,' continuously under his breath. The Zen master, who was already gaining renown for his method of hurling questions at his students until they were forced to admit their ignorance and then bellowing, 'Keep that don't know mind!' at them, reached deep inside his robes and drew out an orange. 'What is this?' he demanded of the lama. 'What is this?'

This was a typical opening question, and we could feel him ready to pounce on whatever response he was given.

The Tibetan sat quietly fingering his mala and made no move to respond.

'What is this?' the Zen master insisted, holding the orange up to the Tibetan's nose.

Kalu Rinpoche bent very slowly to the Tibetan monk next to him who was serving as the translator, and they whispered back and forth for several minutes. Finally the translator addressed the room: 'Rinpoche says, What is the matter with him? Don't they have oranges where he comes from?'

Crossing the river

Prince Gautama who had become Buddha saw one of his followers meditating under a tree at the edge of the Ganges river. Upon inquiring why he was meditating, his follower stated he was attempting to become so enlightened he could cross the river unaided. Buddha gave him a few pennies and said: "Why don't you seek passage with that boatman. It is much easier."

The Bird and the Shit

Once upon a time, there was a little bird who refused to fly south for the winter. His friends tried to convince him that winter was coming and he should go, but the little bird was adamant. Finally, his friends left on their journey, but the little bird remained behind. Pretty soon the weather turned bitter cold. The little bird began to shiver. After a while, he decided he had made a mistake, so he too headed south. But he was too late and the weather descended upon him. As he flew, ice formed on his wings. He grew more and more weary until finally he fell to earth in a cow pasture, freezing and exhausted. He was convinced he was going to die. As he lay there, freezing to death, a cow came by and crapped on him. The manure warmed his body and wings. The bird realized he would live. He was so happy, he began to sing. A cat was passing by and heard the singing. The cat dug into the manure, uncovered the bird and promptly ate him.

There are three morals to this story:

1. Not everyone who shits on you is necessarily your enemy.
2. Not everyone who gets you out of the shit is necessarily your friend.
3. And, if you're happy in your own pile of shit, keep your mouth shut.

Hot Dogs

Q: What did the Buddhist say to the hot dog vendor?
A: "Make me one with everything."

Then when he pays, and the hot dog vendor offers the Buddha his change, the Buddha says, "change must come from within."

What do you get when you cross a Jehovah's Witness and a Zen Buddhist?
A person who knocks on your door for absolutely no reason at all.